I was sitting in front of my trusty Macintosh, trying to clean up the ever growing flood of files piling up on my hard drive. I stumbled across one that caught my eye called KEEP.WAD. Not sure what its purpose was, I doubled clicked it ... and was transported...
...into the middle of a wide-open courtyard in front of a medieval castle. In my hand was a handgun packed with 50 bullets. Holy anachronism, Batman.
A handgun, in the Middle Ages? What the hell?
No time to think about my situation. I reeled from a blast or green fire followed by two bright red fireballs. Up on top of the castle were some nature of beasties, too small from this distance to make out. I dashed forward -- and then stopped, lurching to avoid a fall into a moat of lava that separated me from the castle doors. In the middle appeared to be some nature of drawbridge, but with no way to raise it, I was stuck dodging green blasts of electric death from above. Time to take cover.
To my left was a wooden structure. Perhaps there was some way to raise the drawbridge from there? As I walked around it, I nearly bumped into a shotgun-toting guard and his minions. Bam, bam, bam. I fired as if by reflex actions I didn't know I had in me. The shotgun dropped to the ground and the soldier fell. I quickly dispatched his troops with two quick blasts of his shoulder-length cannon and picked up their clips of ammo, for good measure.
Well, shielded from the castle, I could hide behind the structure all day, but I figured the lurkers within would eventually send out something nasty to dispatch of my 20th century ass. Time to get underground, but where? My eye scanned the walls that closed in on all sides, but I seemed trapped... trapped... trapped.
No, wait. There, opposite the castle on my side of the moat was a dark opening in the stone walls that surrounded me. I made a mad dash for it, clutching the shotgun close to me. Just inside, I felt the pelting of a fireball in my back, pushing me deeper inside, just out of reach of the evil snipers.
BLAM! A shotgun exploded an inch from my face, and I felt the pain shoot out from my leg. A mess of soldiers swarmed in front of me -- thank God they panicked and shot low, or I'd be one dead anachronism. My shotgun went up and off as I blew away the mass of soldiers, who had clumped together for one opportune second. A few blasts later, and I completely was alone, nursing my wounds. A few medical kits lay among the mess, and I used them to clean and dress my wounds. Good as new. Well, almost.
I wandered down earthen halls, blasting beings as they crossed my path. Suddenly, I turned a corner to see a room full of soldiers. A roar of alarm filled the cavern as one of them spotted me and alerted the others. I backed out into the hall. I thought, perhaps, this will be my way back home? Or maybe these troops guard the switch that raises the drawbridge? I picked off the soldiers one by one as they turned the corner into my hallway, and then -- when they stopped coming -- I ran into the room, guns blazing, to finish off the stragglers.
The room cleared, I picked up an array or armor to protect my Bally's-toned butt and medikits to heal the wounds inflicted by this small army of shotgun carrying NRA wannabes from another age. At the far end of the room was a large skull plaque, which I touched and then reeled as I heard a click and whirr behind me. Two walls, on either side of me, were raising and two masses of fireball-tossing hairy beasts rushed toward me.
I rushed forward between them, firing my shotgun and then backing away to avoid there precisely aimed blasts. Then I dashed from the room, out the way I came.
As I turned the corner leading to the courtyard portal, I saw three beefy characters wielding machine guns -- c'mon, chainguns in the Middle Ages? This is laying it on a bit think, don't you think? -- and sending a hail of bullets my way. Where'd they come from? They weren't here before? Blam, blam, blam!! No matter, they're dead now.
I felt like leaving a message -- like Bruce Willis in "Die Hard!" -- for any other creatures that might be lurking in the dark: "Now I have a chaingun."
Instead, I ran for the courtyard -- which was suddenly alive with soldiers and a fleet of flying skulls trailing jetstreams of fire. Feeling a bit like Bruce Campbell about to be attacked by an army of animated skeletons, I surveyed the lay of the land. The structure next to the moat had shrunk to less than half of its size -- no doubt releasing the soldiers. I guess that's what the underground skull switch did. And in the distance was a large hole in the castle wall. Alas, it did not lead to the outside, but it looked like a good place to take cover from the shrieking skulls that kept nipping at my flesh.
I ran for cover and found some extra health kits to patch me up before the next battle. By cowering in the corner nearest the castle, I was able to avoid the green flames from above while keeping a good vantage point to pick off the skulls and soldiers as they approached my hiding place. I could see another skull switch -- this one blue -- on the side of the structure near the moat. I leapt from where I crouched in the darkness and flipped the switch.
SUCCESS!!! A plank of wood rose from the fiery moat to grant me passage to the other side. I killed the last of the guards that protected The Keep, and threw open the doors of the castle, expecting the worst.
And boy, how I found it.
 
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